where the end of winter quarter has left me

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

when you walk through here it feels like snow is falling down upon you (nope, just cherry blossoms)

winter quarter was a difficult quarter. not in the classes, no, I can handle school - but in all the changes and the personal struggles. this past year has been a lot of internal angst & perhaps I did not realize it until yesterday afternoon.

walking home from my last field trip,
down the bridge,
realizing, "I might have to move out of the city,"
realizing, "everything is different,"
realizing, "in this moment I am so sad,"
and feeling like someone from my past was placing her hand on my chest and pushing me backward,
saying, "just stop. just stop because everything has changed and you can't handle it."

do you ever have those moments?

you are twenty and you want to walk home … but home is not the place for which you pay rent.

that has been a challenge for me this past year, and especially this school year, as I moved to my own apartment in the city and moved out of my parents' house.

and yesterday, I was told that I may have to move back.
and in that moment, of admitting that everything was changing, that the end of winter quarter was bringing me frustration instead of excitement, I wept.

swallowing back the breaths in my throat and trying to get air in through my nose,
determined to look straight ahead because if I looked down and focused on my thoughts I would waste some tears.
I was that girl.

and I am not proud of her.
I am not proud of where winter quarter has landed me, emotionally.

I am getting better, because I am always getting better.
but I can always be better than I am today.

today I am doing better and that is a happy thought.
today I am determined to do better.
and tomorrow, again.
and the day after that.

1 comment:

  1. Oh girl, I feel you.

    I sat outside last night watching distant lightning dance in the clouds, miles away. I wept quietly to myself, praying that things might get better and that I can look upon my life with a smile.

    Some days are tough, some days are tough for no reason. But we fight through and we persevere because through that we gain strength and perspective