in acknowledgement of the past

there were days when we were really good together.
nights when we slept in the car, and I stared out the windows at the stars, waiting to hear his breathing grow deep.
hot days when we sat on the beach blanket, eating watermelons with a plastic spoon.
afternoons where we took naps in front of the window, only waking when the air grew cooler.

but there were days when we weren't in sync.
when my hand wanted to be held, and he pulled away.
when I needed to look into his eyes, and his eyes were focusing on anything but my own.

we looked away often.
walked away often, to take a break from the stress.
walked away and wouldn't talk about it later - just move on, without addressing the passive conflict.
we both did it.

and that was the most stressful.
because I would carry that conflict around, hold it in my fingertips, stuff it in my winter coat pockets.
and I would do anything to eradicate that stress.
make coffee that I didn't drink. make the bed so it was clean. make things, fix things -
fix everything except what needed to be acknowledged.

I wanted to look into his eyes and see it.
and I caught it once, I remember it once, in the heat of the night.

and a few months later, I would realize that I would not see it again.
not because he didn't love me - he certainly did. we loved each other.
but because things had changed.

because things change.
and you move on, up that mountain, and you keep going.

you take that stress in your winter coat pocket and you tuck it into the sole of your summer sandals.

and one day you wake up,
open your curtains to the sun,
and realize that stress is disappearing.
slowly being torn up by your heel.

because you don't need to take care of people, olivia.

you need to take care of you.

and when a relationship teaches you something, it was always good relationship.
and so I have learned

I cannot change the fundamentals of a relationship by fluffing pillows
by buying care packages
by pretending it's okay that there might be something missing.

and I can start new relationships, new foundations, knowing that
I need to be able to look into someone's eyes and acknowledge them in their entirety.
I need to be able to use the word "love" and not feel like I need to hear it back.

because I do love, I live with love in my heart,
and sending that love around is what pushes my stress away,
deeper down into the dirt.