like real people do

this morning, trying to stay in bed, holding onto a dream.

& this song brought me to the day.

No Hidden Meanings, and my truths.

sometimes you have one of those weeks. and by the end of the longest day yet, you realized you messed up this time. you feel like you messed up because you long to call your best friend but you don't want to admit how terrible you feel and you don't want your coughs to be heard through the phone.

and you have that devastating feeling at the pit of your stomach like, "oh my god, what is happening to me," and you think that you've messed everything up. because you are one of those people that see they did one thing wrong and blame everything on themselves. it gets out of control.

when I love someone or something and I think I bothered them in any minute way, I panic.

I panic when I've upset my mother because I said something insensitive and I can see that look on her face that means I've passed judgement on something I shouldn't. I panic when I call someone at 1am and need someone to talk to and I woke them up and I'm so sorry I woke them up but please can they talk. I panic when I can't get someone to cover my shift at work and I don't want to upset my manager but I'm really sick and can you please just not make me go to work today because I don't want to faint on the floor.

I panic about how I treat people. 

and then I apologize. because I see that I've panicked and then how do I fix it? I apologize. because apologizing is easier than explaining everything that is going on in my head and easier than stating the basic, yet abstract: I hurt you because I am hurt, and now I feel like I've hurt you and I don't know how to fix it, and I don't know how to fix me feeling like I've hurt you. and this is how I am feeling, every single time.

"olivia, stop apologizing, you did nothing wrong" was a common phrase in my household. and it was always followed by an "i'm so sorry."

I am one of those kinds of people. 

sometimes you spend years going to a therapist to figure out how to not take care of other people. to not worry about everything you do and everything you say and not be anxious all of the time. but even after all those years of self-help articles and friends that gave you advice and group therapy sessions that pushed you through the summer, sometimes you can't not take care of people. and you don't know how to defend yourself when you're upset, so you say something stupid and then you realize i shouldn't have said that because that wasn't the correct way to handle my feelings and then your feelings are explosive. and you're not even sure what you're doing tomorrow because what if you are too upset with yourself to get out of bed.

this is what my anxiety feels like.

and every once in a while it rears its ugly head and I can't control it, and truthfully, that's my biggest struggle. I don't know how to control when I get out of control. I throw notebooks across the room and pull the sheets off my bed and then sit there, angry that I've now messed up my room, too.

so that's my struggle. 

and this is how, after being too explosive to finish an essay, I'm coping tonight:

my dad sent me a book and a letter. I opened the package ravenously, hoping it would calm me down, hoping it would help me figure everything out. No Hidden Meanings, An Illustrated Eschatalogical Laundry List, written by Sheldon Kopp, with photographs by Claire Flanders.

1. this is it!

What is it. Today? Yes, this is today, and I am angry with myself, and then,

"One lifetime does not seem long enough for me to learn once and for all that to find myself, I must risk losing myself to another, to the moment, to a quest, or to my own playfulness." 

Along with, 9. there is no particular reason why you lost out on some things, and 10. the world is not necessarily just. being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune. But, 11. you have a responsibility to do your best, none the less, and,

43. Learn to forgive yourself, again 

and again

and again.

and again.

so again, I set out to learn how to forgive myself.

a walk

"cause roots rip up and turn to walkin feet. believe it. believe it."

willow and the builder on my walk.

morning feelings

paul simon & sting

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, thought I knew she was sleeping.

I'm empty and aching and I don't know why."

Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike

They've all come to look for America

All come to look for America

All come to look for America."

I wish I could relive that moment for the rest of my life. 

that seattle rain.

while the east and south and basically everywhere but the northwest get pelted with snow and ice and basically every type of weather, us Seattleites are experiencing what we are known for: rain. 

and lots of it. pouring down. hard.

I had the absolute pleasure of spending our surprisingly not rainy president's day with two exchange students are Norway, who were beautiful people. we adventured through Fremont and talked about our worlds. they had rain coats (so good) with hoods (even better) and so we were pretty prepared in case the rainy clouds moved in.

and so if you ever visit seattle, there are three things you will want:

rain boots. I've got a pair of le chameau rain boots that I've worn almost every day since I bought them (minus two months of summer). get a sturdy pair that can last you a while and that matches with everything.

a jacket that is waterproof and windproof and soft on the inside (but not too much fur): when you're walking or running for a bus, a warm jacket will make you overheat. Seattle's not too cold, but it is so wet. so get a flannel-lined rain coat and you'll bet set.  

a relaxed, "I can handle this weather" attitude. take your earbuds out and listen to the rain hitting the puddles. plop. put on those rain boots and embrace muddy sidewalks. take a photo of a rain drop sliding off a tree's leaf.

good luck & stay dry.

happy birthday, jessilynn.

you are now out of your teens, and certainly out of the age that we met (year 12 of our lives). with your new starlights and your many books, you will conquer the world. you make me laugh during photoshoots and for that I am grateful. I hope your birthday was a treat. 

xxo

oh, we look so young.

on smoothies. and health.

(a pink smoothie just in time for february 14th)

last year, I was having health issues, and was diagnosed with ibs. But I thought little of it, did little to work on it, and basically let it settle out when summer rolled around and my anxiety lessoned.

then college came back this year and my stomach reared its head again. I spent evenings on the floor crying. and I lost ten pounds.

no, it wasn't good. I was weak and tired. 

everything I ate, with the exception of greek yogurt, peppermint luna bars, and whirley-pop popcorn, made my stomach ache. 

it all sounds terrible and it was but it got better.

after rounds of doctor's visits and blood tests and advice on food choices, I decided to try smoothies. 

they've helped an incredible amount, to where I can get protein from greek yogurt, fiber from fruit, and sugar from the juice to keep my blood sugar up. 

so I drink at least one smoothie a day. usually I make one for lunch, then put the leftover mix in the fridge and have it later for a late-night snack before I go to sleep. 

this particular smoothie pictured has:

a sprinkle of blueberries

a handful of raspberries

orange/mango juice

a tablespoon or so of flax seed

a cup of blackberry chobani yogurt 

I can't pretend to be the healthiest person because sometimes I will go to the store, buy a pizza, and eat three fourths of it for lunch. 

but some days it's about getting at least some food in me to get to healthy weight. and to have energy for those busy days. and really, fruit smoothies with natural sugar are a big part of it. 

(more) snow in seattle

(my glove got in the corner of this one, but we can pretend it's a grey snowflake)

then eventually this rain starts back up, and washes our day of snow away, and school doesn't get cancelled and the brightness of the world turns back to grey.

but we had it for a little bit. the inch of thick snow crushed under my boots and made that sound, that sound that crunches in a way unique to snow. for a little bit we had snow routes for buses and snowmen sitting on campus benches. and for a little bit I didn't care that it was cold because, my goodness, it snowed. and my walk home from the library consisted of The Middle East's music on repeat, a goodnessknows cranberry chocolate snack tucked into my gloves, and me, jumping through the snow.

it was quiet, and it was good, and it was what I needed.

the snow. the snow does that.

blue c sushi

ab invited me for a little sushi dinner to celebrate finishing midterms. 

I have not always been a fan of sushi (raw fish, and I'm paranoid about getting sick from raw meats), but c told me they had chicken teriyaki and em told me they have cooked sushi (who knew) so I was definitely down. 

Well it was so cool. The little conveyer belt went by us with different colored plates holding different types of meals, including chocolate covered cream puffs. I had ab snatch me the chicken katsu, and I ordered a vegetable egg roll (okay, none of those are technically sushi, but they were really good). ab, amelia, and courtney split a variety of sushi plates, including something with octopus and something that resembled a grapefruit. 

it was quite fun and the sushi was beautiful and fun to look at. 

to a good night! 

february 2014

happy february! the grey of january is (hopefully) gone. I don't mind the cold, cold is fine. but recently it's been raining here a bit, and rain is good and lovely, but I am ready for some sun and flowers.

this month, my mind is full of travel / simple, classic outfits / pink and red and bright flowers / floral arm tattoos. 

I found out this week that I can afford a study-abroad trip to Norway (!!!). and I saw some photos of someone who had already been on the trip, and they went backpacking with preschoolers in the mountains, and I am so ready to go there.

so february, let's be great.