and you have that devastating feeling at the pit of your stomach like, "oh my god, what is happening to me," and you think that you've messed everything up. because you are one of those people that see they did one thing wrong and blame everything on themselves. it gets out of control.
when I love someone or something and I think I bothered them in any minute way, I panic.
I panic when I've upset my mother because I said something insensitive and I can see that look on her face that means I've passed judgement on something I shouldn't. I panic when I call someone at 1am and need someone to talk to and I woke them up and I'm so sorry I woke them up but please can they talk. I panic when I can't get someone to cover my shift at work and I don't want to upset my manager but I'm really sick and can you please just not make me go to work today because I don't want to faint on the floor.
I panic about how I treat people.
and then I apologize. because I see that I've panicked and then how do I fix it? I apologize. because apologizing is easier than explaining everything that is going on in my head and easier than stating the basic, yet abstract: I hurt you because I am hurt, and now I feel like I've hurt you and I don't know how to fix it, and I don't know how to fix me feeling like I've hurt you. and this is how I am feeling, every single time.
"olivia, stop apologizing, you did nothing wrong" was a common phrase in my household. and it was always followed by an "i'm so sorry."
I am one of those kinds of people.
sometimes you spend years going to a therapist to figure out how to not take care of other people. to not worry about everything you do and everything you say and not be anxious all of the time. but even after all those years of self-help articles and friends that gave you advice and group therapy sessions that pushed you through the summer, sometimes you can't not take care of people. and you don't know how to defend yourself when you're upset, so you say something stupid and then you realize i shouldn't have said that because that wasn't the correct way to handle my feelings and then your feelings are explosive. and you're not even sure what you're doing tomorrow because what if you are too upset with yourself to get out of bed.
this is what my anxiety feels like.
and every once in a while it rears its ugly head and I can't control it, and truthfully, that's my biggest struggle. I don't know how to control when I get out of control. I throw notebooks across the room and pull the sheets off my bed and then sit there, angry that I've now messed up my room, too.
so that's my struggle.
and this is how, after being too explosive to finish an essay, I'm coping tonight:
my dad sent me a book and a letter. I opened the package ravenously, hoping it would calm me down, hoping it would help me figure everything out. No Hidden Meanings, An Illustrated Eschatalogical Laundry List, written by Sheldon Kopp, with photographs by Claire Flanders.
1. this is it!
What is it. Today? Yes, this is today, and I am angry with myself, and then,
"One lifetime does not seem long enough for me to learn once and for all that to find myself, I must risk losing myself to another, to the moment, to a quest, or to my own playfulness."
Along with, 9. there is no particular reason why you lost out on some things, and 10. the world is not necessarily just. being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune. But, 11. you have a responsibility to do your best, none the less, and,
43. Learn to forgive yourself, again
and again
and again.
and again.
so again, I set out to learn how to forgive myself.
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