since I last blogged

I've been living so much. school ended, a new job began. trips to the beach, baguettes and cheese for dinner, falling asleep to guitar-playing, baseball games with my dad, evening walks in cool air. lots of ice cream.

today I've got a fever, that is a thing. but there are always mugs of tea and hours of napping that help you sweat the fever out. the day is winding down and I'm reflecting on this month - and what july will bring.

hiking. more trips to the beach. gardening with my students. and practicing breathing, always.

and on into July.

on learning to breath

in the beginning, leaning up against a tree, I said, "you're weird,"
and he looked at me with contemplation.

he asked me how so, and I paused to think.

"because you are different." 

because you are different, and that was odd to me. because many people I know are similar in the emotions they discuss. no one bares their heart so honestly. no one pauses to appreciate so deeply.

but that is not weird. that is something I appreciate.

this year, on the beach and under the trees, I met people who paused.

I hadn't paused for a very long time. 

that essential deep breath. the necessary-laying-on-a-bench-on-your-back-staring-at-the-trees breath. the evergreens are so much taller; their mere capacity makes me catch my breath. and yet, I breathe calmly. I pause.

I stood in the dark, my eyes wanting to close, to fall shut for the night, and yet: "look up."
and I stood up straight, a hand on my back, just breathing. thinking of the happiest moments.

stand up straighter. close your eyes. relax your shoulders. feel fresh air.

learning, I am learning to breath.

father's day 2014

to my father, who taught me

the patience to listen to human beings; sometimes people just need someone that will listen,

to not kill ants and spiders and other bugs that frighten me,

to be kind to everyone, always, and

that peace is the answer to most questions.

my roommates

today marks the day that I am the only remaining roommate in the apartment. it is saddening because I will miss these girls, because I will miss teasing their TV shows but secretly loving them, because I will miss making four meals at once in the kitchen, because I will miss saying "let's walk to…" and walking to a mystery location in Seattle. I will miss them. 

c: you've been such a rock for me, listening to my fears and throwing back my sass. I appreciate all that you do; every time I needed to go somewhere, you had no qualms with coming with me. in fact, you would readily volunteer to go to the grocery store, even if you had a harry potter scar drawn on your forehead. your self-confidence is a beautiful characteristic that I wish I could bottle. thank you for being you.

em: there is a goodness in you that radiates out. I will remember you asking: am I doing the right thing? what is the right thing to do in this situation? and you extend that curiosity into a drive to make humans feel good. generosity: your word. thank you for understanding all that it takes to get through tough times, and working through them with me. always.

l-dog: you've got some determination, some excitement, some dedication in finding your place in this world. you never stop working, organizing, analyzing how things are - this is something I greatly admire. "hard-worker" doesn't begin to describe the effort you put into every day tasks. and you laugh, you laugh at my punny jokes, even if they don't make much sense. this is something I appreciate. you are someone I appreciate.

♥

& the summer has started

this weekend, this monday, every moment. being under the trees and finding the mountains and having these people in my life has made me feel overwhelming content in my heart.

be love

every week at camp I've seen this, and now I've taken a photo. 

be love during something as simple as a movie. be the one that puts your arm around another, or touches a hand lightly.

be love as you look up into the trees, as the clouds block the stars, and you breath. you are love when you are in nature.

be love because it's one in the morning and music is good, but a phone call is better, as you navigate your way through the long road home.

be love as you sit with an instrument, with a guitar, with a piano. listen. listen to each chord, each note, listen to the fingers as they brush against the notes.

be love as you hold onto someone else, anyone else.

be love as you hear a song, a song that makes your stomach jump, makes you close your eyes, makes your hands shake. as you put your hands over your face and will yourself to sob, but no tears come. accept that as the love you are becoming.

be love as you're driving behind someone slowly. walking behind someone that is slowing you down. they are helping you slow down. take that opportunity to breath.

be love as a child keeps talking, and all you want to do is talk over them - resist that urge. let them practice language.

be love as you do what you need to do; love will show you what you need.

be love, simply because you need to be. because you can love the world, but it is not the same as letting that love become you.

to be love, each day.

on the importance of face time

I said to her,

"your class has made me
one," I held out my index finger, "consider the possibility of getting a tattoo,"
she laughed.
"and two, challenge how I view the world."

if I had said that in a written evaluation, it would have been different.
she would've seen my handwriting, the scribble in a pencil that I stole from the person next to me.
hearing it from my voice, possibly reaching the point of breaking, was far more powerful.

and that is what I write about today. the importance of looking at someone, face-to-face, staring that someone in the eyes.

being able to reach out and give them a hug, or trace the veins on the top of their hands.

we have this thing called "FaceTime." as a mac user, I appreciate its convenience, its simplicity. I can see my family, I can hear their choppy voices as my wi-fi fails.

but I can't reach out to them.

I can't share the dinner they eat at the coffee table in the living room.

and I realize this, as I'm on the phone with my mother, and my father says, "do you want a salmon burger?"
and I realize this, as I say, "can I share something with you that I haven't shared yet?" and I want to see that reaction.
and I realize this, as I think about busing at one in the morning, because waking up on the living room floor, wrapped in a blanket that you put over yourself, is far different than falling asleep with someone pressing their arms around you.
and I realize this,
as I avoid getting a Facebook,
as a snapchat makes me want to go to J's house and lay on her floor and drink lemonade,
as an instagram photo tells me to hike through the forest and take five deep breaths.

the importance of face time means you see them, you see them without the lens of a blurry webcam, you see them without the static from the phone line, you see them without typos.

you see them with tears blurring a face, a body, a room they sit in.
you see them with the fireplace turning your skin a dry red.
you see them with the toothpaste on the edge of lips, as heads are placed onto pillows and shiny greens and browns and blues are hidden under eyelids.
you see them with a softer, dying voice, as the time of night disappears and doesn't matter anymore.

you see them.

june 2014

june is here and that is lovely because it means less stress and more sun. right now, I'm indulging in photos of:

blue, mediterannian patterns / white dresses / big, pink, blooming flowers / yūgen: an awareness of the universe that triggers emotional responses too deep and mysterious for words.